On the morning of June 11, 2015, I prayed the most difficult prayer of my entire life. My request: Lord please heal our daughter, KaShanta or take her home to be with You because I can no longer stand to watch her suffer. I'd grown weary of telling her to hold on. She fought such and excellent fight! So much happened to my princess; I just wanted her to be pain-free at this point. She did better as long as she knew I was in close proximity. In the emergency room, she suffered more because they reversed the effects of the drugs in her system and woke up all the pain. I had to tell them to give her oxygen back. Most were very sensitive - absolutely wonderful. A few were not.
I felt so guilty and regretted ever calling the ambulance for several reasons. We were not supposed to call them because she was on hospice, but her Dad insisted because it was so disturbing for both of us. Her body was still warm but she struggled to breathe and was making a strange - but familiar sound. However, we were unable to arouse her.
When Pastor Lisa arrived at the emergency room, I stood in the corner, because I did not want Shan to know I was crying. I felt as if the only thing holding me together was my skin. She never knew that I released her to the Lord during that time, because I didn't want her to think that I could ever give up on her. When the nurse was finally able to give her narcotics to dull the pain again, (seemed like forever and a day) they sent her back home via ambulance. I was happy to be going back home.
The last words I heard Shan scream were, "Stop, stop, stop!" to the attendants because she thought they were taking her oxygen again. My voice comforted her as I explained that they were only exchanging the oxygenators. That settled her, but she never opened her eyes again nor said another word - ever. I put in a video that we liked with uplifting gospel songs and wiped her tears. I could not stay in the room this time - just constantly went in and out. I knew she was leaving and could not stand to watch it.
When I told her a few hours later that her sister-momma, (Milia) was on her way with her girls from San Antonio, she turned her head in my direction in response. I could tell it made her very happy. Shan wanted to look pretty for her daughters - never wanted them to see her looking undone. I only had to carefully braid the front edges of her beautiful and easy grade of thick hair. I put a little gloss on her lips and told her how beautiful she was. I could just hear her saying, "Mama, you are so biased." "Perhaps; but others agreed with me" - was always my response to that statement. The girls and Milia (through no-fault of her own), were ten minutes too late. I saw no more breaths taken after 7:50 p.m that Thursday so I called Milia to see where they were. They had just pulled up. Milia was the first in and was greeted by her dad and I at the door. She knew from the look on my face that something was wrong so she grabbed me by the hand. I was hoping that she could arouse Shan by her voice. It didn't happen. I regretted that they were unable to say good-bye though.
I rehearsed the above to escort you to this point. Shan's friend, Silke in Germany had a dream that day, which was filled with so many dynamics. Silke and I became friends when Ashlynn, my granddaughter was a toddler and Shan's family was residing in Germany. Silke was a most trusted babysitter. Ashlynn and I spent a lot of time at their place because of Shan's long hours working in security. They are so very dear to us.
This was sent to me by Silke's sister, Petra, another dear German friend: "The morning when I called Silke to tell her about KaShanta's transition, I had woken her up. Silke usually doesn't remember her dreams. But since I had just woken her up, she did remember. She dreamt that she saw you (Patrick) and KaShanta in a beautiful garden with lots of beautiful red apples - there were just a few spoiled ones. The way I imagined the scene from what Silke told me, it was a very green garden with all these apple trees. You and KaShanta told Silke not to be sad that 'all will be ok' but never got around to say why because I woke her up. I was flabbergasted when I heard about Silke's dream. It was really right before I woke her up to give her the sad news."
KaShanta loved the outdoors, flowers, gardens, nature... She would have called this 'comfort in the midst of pain,' a God-wink.
'All is well' (same as 'all will be ok' stated above) are three of the words that the Lord gave to me in 2012 when we found out about the HER2 Triple Negative breast cancer diagnosis. She is well and we will be okay. Our daughter has completed her walk through the valley of death and when it casts its ugly shadow, the Son of God is always there to shine the warmth of his love on us.
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